The story of your birth

Gracie Ruth Jasek.  You're here.  Not without lots of twists and turns though, of course.  So, sweet baby girl of mine, here is how it all went down:

Tuesday, December 20th through Wednesday, December 21st:

Matthew was not feeling well, so right after work, I picked him up from Gigi's and took him to the doctor.  We went to the pharmacy and got his medicine and then went on home to wait for Daddy.  Nothing really extraordinary happened to make me think that "this was the day." 

I went to bed around 9:30pm(ish) and at about 10:15pm, I woke up suddenly, thinking I was peeing on myself.  I walked very carefully to the bathroom, trying very hard to stop but I couldn't.  I sat on the toilet for what seemed like a half hour.  It was probably only 5-10 minutes and everytime I stood up, I started to pee again.  Finally, I put a towel between my legs and woke your Dad.  I told him that I thought my water had broke.

Your poor Dad!  He had taken medicine to help with his shoulder and his leg that has been hurting him for years now and also a sleeping pill.  I don't think he knew where he was, much less what I was saying.  However, he sat straight up in bed and said, "What do we do?"  I told him that I didn't know!  So I told him to go back to bed and I would sit up a little longer and look on the internet for symptoms of my water breaking.

While I was typing in some search words, another gush of water came out and I got a contraction.  That was it.  I knew it was happening and I was scared to death.  IT WAS TOO SOON.  I was only 31 weeks pregnant with you.  You needed to be at least 36 weeks and really 40 because of your heart condition.  I was devastated but I tried really hard not to let your Daddy worry because, really, there was nothing he could do.

I went back in the bedroom and told your Dad that my water had definitely broke and I was going to take myself to the hospital.  He was confused and kept saying that he would drive me but I reminded him that Matthew was asleep in the other room and it would be better for me to go on ahead and go and find out for sure if my water had broke and I would call him as soon as I knew something.

I got in the car and as I was backing out of the driveway, realized that there was no gas in the car.  *sigh*  Of course.  So, on the way to the hospital, I stopped at a gas station in a hot pink tee shirt, and hot pink leopard print pajama bottoms and started to fill up the tank.  Right as I was putting the nozzle away, a huge gush of water came out and I bent over trying to stop it.  Of course, a police officer was standing right there when it happened and ran over to me to ask me if I was okay.

And, hahahaha, just like is my style, "I looked at him and said, "Oh, yeah, I'm fine.  My water just broke and I'm on my way to the hospital."

His eyes became as big as silver dollars and he said, "No, ma'am, you are not going anywyere.  And he called an ambulance.  So I had to call Gigi and she had to come get Daddy so he could get the car.

When I got to the hospital, I called Daddy to confirm that my water had broke and they were transferring me to the Medical Center downtown so that I could have you.  They did not have the facilities to take care of you being born so prematurely and also with your critical heart condition.

We then had to call Gigi back and she had to go back and get Daddy and Matthew and drop Daddy off at the hospital so he could ride in the ambulance with me and she and Matthew went home to wait (and hopefully get some sleep, too!).

Man, that ambulance ride to St. Luke's in the Medical Center.  We should have had to paid money to ride that ride!  That driver must have been going 80 miles an hour!  I was jostled and jolted around in the back of that thing having contractions and scared to death that woman driver was going to shake you out of me!  Daddy said the ride up front wasn't all that much better.

We got to the hospital and they started monitoring us.  At first, it looked like everything was going to be okay and I was going to be able to hold out and keep you inside growing a little longer.

However, by about 7pm on December 22nd, it was obvious that you weren't going to wait and I was going to have to have you.

Thursday, December 22, 2011:

They start to prepare me for labor with you by beginning my epidural.  I was scared to get the epidural because of all the side effects from it.  However, I had one with Matthew and had no issues, so I figured it would be the same with this one.

They put the epidural pretty high up though and it relaxed my chest, too, and I began to feel like I couldn't breathe.  I started to panic and told a nurse that I thought something was wrong.  She said she would send an anesthesiologist in and try to figure it out.

In the meantime, a resident came in and began to explain to me that you were not doing well with the pitocin and that you were stressing in the womb and it looked like they would need to do a c-section.  However, she wanted to wait until morning when everyone was there, except that they really needed to get you out of there.  She was very confusing and she kept sighing and acting like you were going to die.  I finally had enough and told her angrily that if all she was going to do was stress out and sigh and give me bad news, that I wanted to talk to my doctor and she could just leave.

At that moment, a nurse came in and said that my doctor was on the way and he would talk to me about what needed to happen and assess the situation.

A few moments after that, the anesthesiologist nurse came in and I thought it was to check my breathing.  Instead, he said that he was going to give me MORE medicine and numb me even higher up.  I became hysterical.  I told him, "YOU WILL NOT!  I CANNOT BREATH!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"  And he seemed really confused, which scared me even more, and said that he HAD to because they were about to take me into the operating room for a c-section.  Again, I panicked even more and said, "NO! NO! NO!  MY DOCTOR IS ON HIS WAY AND HE IS GOING TO ASSESS EVERYTHING AND THEN WE WILL DECIDE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!"

I started to cry and hyperventilate and I started to tell everyone to leave and take all these tubes out of me.  I wanted to go home.  They didn't know what they were doing and they were going to do something wrong.  Daddy was beside himself with worry.  Gigi was there and didn't know what to do either.  We were all confused.

Suddenly, like a Super Hero, the doctor came in, Dr. Haeri, and he explained to me that he had told them that they would have to do a c-section when he got there and he would explain it to me when he arrived.  So, they did KNOW what was going on and I did try to calm down, as best as I could not being able to breathe.

Honestly, I was so scared.  I have never really had "real" surgery.  Your Dad stayed by my side the entire time though.  They made Gigi wait in a waiting area though and she was so scared.  My poor Mom!  Little sidenote here:  Let me tell you, your Gigi was a TROOPER!  She may have to get a little award that says, "Trooper of the Night!"

There was an anesthesiologist nurse that talked your Dad and I through the entire procedure.  He would tell us as something was about to happen.  At one point, I apparently grabbed my surgeon's arm and held it!  And I kept asking, "Are we almost done?  How much longer now?"  Finally, Dr. Haeri says to me, "Do you want me to do this right or do you want me to do this quick?"  I feebly but quickly said, "Right."  And he said, "Okay then."  I promise you that I didn't ask not one more time if he was almost done or how long it was going to take!

FINALLY, they had you out but you weren't crying.  It alarmed both Daddy and me.  Daddy even asked if you were okay.  They said that you were but they had to take you immediately to your neonatologist and they took care of you while the doctor's tried to put me back together.

Sometime during all of this, the neonatologist doctor came in and shook my hand and talked to Daddy. I was in so much pain at that point, all I knew was that Daddy was sitting on the floor talking to someone and it confused me why he was sitting all the way on the floor on his knees stooping down like that to talk to someone. I thought that I must really be out of it. Later, I found out that your neonatologist is famous. Dr. Arnold from The Little Couple show on TLC.  She told Daddy that you were doing okay and they would bring you in so we could see you in just a few minutes.

The anesthesiologist nurse told me that I was going to start feeling tugging and pulling as they were putting things back together.  He was right about part of that.  What no one realized is that my epidural was wearing off.  Daddy said that the more they were tugging me, and I was shaking all over the table from the force of their pulling and pushing, that I started crying out in pain.  I kept saying, "Help!  It hurts!  It hurts!  I can feel it!  I can feel everything.  Oh, please stop!"

They chose this wonderful moment to bring you in so I could see you.  I don't remember them bringing you in but I DO remember and will NEVER forget you grabbing my hand from your incubator.  You had such a strong grip.  It was then though, that they told Daddy he needed to leave because they were going to have to put me completely under to finish the procedure. 

None of us knew this but I had scar tissue severely all over my uterus and they were not able to get it back into my body.  In fact, the entire c-section went awry!  You were literally sitting directly against my pelvic bones and because you were so low, they had to make an extra cut to get down far enough to get you.  When you came out, you poor thing, you looked like you'd been in an MMA fight!  You had bruises on your arms and one enormous black eye but you had the cutest, fuzziest head of blonde curls, I have ever seen.  I don't think I have seen a baby with that much hair.  Can you even imagine how much hair you would have been born with had you been able to have gone full term?  Then they had to make another cut to get my scarred up uterus back in.  Sheesh, we are some pair, huh?  Hey, no one ever said we had to make it easy for them, right?

I started to come back out from under all the anesthesia and everyone was making fun of me.  I guess I got a little goofy right before they put me under!  I asked where your Daddy was and someone told me that he had to leave but he put up a good fight to stay with me.  I was proud of your Daddy for keeping his promise to me that he would not leave.  Actually, that's a funny story.  At one point during the procedure, they were telling your Dad that he could leave to go tell your Gigi how everything was going and I looked over at him horrified and said, "Oh dear God, Darrell, please don't leave me in here alone.  I'm afraid I'm going to die."  And ever the supportive spouse, your Daddy looked over at me just as horrified and said, "I know.  Me, too.  I won't leave you."  :-/  Had I not been so out of it, I would have probably turned and looked at him and given him the "Gee, thanks for the support" sideways glare.  It always makes him laugh when I look at him like that.

I'm not really sure about many of the details after the c-section started so I am going to have your Daddy and your Gigi write their stories out because they are the people with the fun stuff.  When your Dad went to see you, he was greeted by a film crew and they were interviewing him and had filmed most of what went on after you were taken out of my uterus and into the world.  I am so thankful for that because at least I will be able to watch that on TV and see everything I missed while I was out of it.  Supposedly, you will be on next seasons "The Little Couple" television series.  They told your Daddy it was called, "The First 24 Hours."

Your Daddy and your Gigi were with you the entire time that they were stitching me back up and putting me back together and they were so amazed by you.  Gigi just cannot get over how completely adorable you are!  She's on Cloud 9!  She's already planning for when she gets to babysit you.  I told her, "I don't think so!  I couldn't bring her home from the hospital with me.  Good luck babysitting this one, Mom!"  She just laughs and threatens to come steal you for the weekend whenever you get home.

Your Daddy went to see you every day, several times a day, that we were in the hospital after you were born.  He is so faithful to you.  It makes me love him so much more watching how he loves you like that. 

It has been touch and go with you since you were born.  At first, you came on like a hurricane and within a day, they had you off of your ventilator.  However, they did notice that you were struggling to breathe and put you on what is called a CPAP.  It is a device that helps you to keep your lungs open.  So you ARE taking in oxygen without a beathing tube, you do need some help keeping your lungs open.  They keep trying to take your CPAP down from an 8 to a 6, but you kept struggling until yesterday, the 28th.  You have finally been able to tolerate being on a lower setting of 6!

Also, you have not been tolerating your feedings.  Your little tummy doesn't realize that you need to digest the milk they are feeding you.  However, as of yesterday, you started digesting your food!  Daddy asked the nurse and she told him that you are eating my milk that I have been pumping.  That makes me feel so much better.  You do still have a feeding tube in right now because you don't quite know how to swallow yet.  All in good time, my girl, and I will be able to nurse you.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms and smell you and watch you as you eat.  Oh, the joy that day will bring.  I will cry like a baby the entire time, I'm sure.

The day after we got released from the hospital, I woke up gasping for air.  I guess I got bronchitis while in the hospital.  So, I am having to pump and freeze my breast milk because there is so much medicine in it and I'm afraid to give it to you while you are on the "mend" so to speak.  So I freeze and hope you get strong enough and hope I get better so I can get off of all these medicines!  Also, I'm not allowed to see you right now because I'm so sick.  Only Daddy is allowed in at the moment.  But he goes every single day and takes lots of pictures so I can see you, too.  He puts me on speaker phone so I can talk to you while he's there, also.  It isn't the same as getting to hold your little hand, but it's all I can do to be close to you right now.  Also, every morning and every night we all get the nurse to put us on speaker phone in your incubator and we tell you "Good Morning/Night" and that "we love you."  Again, it isn't like being there, but it's as good as we can do right now.

I cry ALL the time.  I miss you so much.  All I want is to crawl into that incubator with you until you are able to go home.  Right now, I can't even see you.  I am so grateful that at least your Daddy is getting to see you and spend time with you.  *sigh*  All in time.  I know.  One day you are going to be here and I am never going to put you down!  I'm not even going to buy you shoes until you are in kindergarten because I am going to hold you so much you won't even need them!

I love you, Gracie.  I love you with everything in me.  I am so sorry that I couldn't keep you in my womb longer.  It hurts me deeply.  I feel like I have done something wrong.  Maybe if I did this or I did that or whatever, you wouldn't have been born so soon.  I trust God and know that He has all of this under control and He isn't worried one bit but I can't help but feel like there was something I should have done differently to have given you a better start on your life.

It's a wonderful thing that happened when you entered our world though. Our hearts grew to accept you into them and by doing so, we love each other more. We have been reminded by you of how important our family is. While we always loved each other and loved Matthew, you have reminded us how important it is to not take anyone for granted. You are barely 2 weeks old, and you have already taught us so much about love and life and our family. Thank you, little precious daughter of mine. Thank you for being my daughter. My precious girl. I love you with a strength that I did not know I possessed.

You just keep on fighting and showing them just how feisty you can be and you keep proving everyone wrong and grow strong and wonderful!