You're officially in your 10th week of life, although you should actually only be 2 weeks old. We found out a little while ago that your tetralogy is progressing and you will need your surgery much sooner than expected.
Gracie, I'm scared. I wait until everyone has gone to sleep and I hold you while you sleep and I cry. Every chance I get, I hold you. I am so afraid that I will not be able to hold you much longer.
HOW do I take you to that appointment knowing a doctor is going to stop your little heart and bypass your lungs? How can I let you go and walk away from you knowing they are going to literally cut you open and cut into your tiny baby heart??? How am I going to sit in that waiting room for however long it takes for them to finish your open heart surgery without losing my mind? How am I suppose to live and breathe for the next few weeks until all of this happens?
For now, Daddy, Matthew, Gigi and I are just trying to spend as much time with you as humanly possible. We are memorizing every little detail and making sure that you know how much we love you. The only way I know to get through this is with God's help. This is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and I am pretty much an expert on trauma and life's tragedy before you came along.
I cannot even imagine how difficult this is for Daddy who has to be strong for all of us. He tries so hard not to let anyone know how afraid or sad he is, but Matthew and I can see that this is wearing on him, too. He loves you so much. I have never seen him love anyone or anything that way that he loves you, precious little girl. The loyalty that he shows for you is simply amazing and completely wonderful. You are so blessed to have a Daddy like that. He will be your strength and your support for the rest of your life and thankfully to God, he has some very big shoulders for you to lean on and an even larger heart now that you are here.
Matthew is dealing with all of this as best he can, too. He absolutely adores you and would sacrifice everything for you. Before you came along, it was pretty much just me and Matthew. He was my everything. Now that you are here, he has had to adjust to sharing me. He is such a champ. He has not once complained or whined or begrudged you attention or love or anything else. He loves you with a depth I did not know he possessed. What a blessed girl you are that God gave you Matthew as a big brother. He will protect and love you until the day he dies.
Gigi just adores you, too. She is having so much fun getting to spend these half days with you while I am at work part-time. She is amazed by every little thing you do. You have renewed her energy and enthusiasm ten fold.
I love you sweet baby girl. We are all here for you and will do everything in our power to make sure you are okay. You have already been such a blessing to all of us. We had no idea when you were on your way how much our lives would change for the better just by having you in it.
